Blogging About Communication

ANGER AND CONFLICT

How often do you find yourself angry during conflict? What do you do to diffuse those angry feelings so you can effectively manage the situation? While aroused emotions may help prepare you to meet a challenge, if uncontrolled, they can contribute to your failing to resolve the disagreement.

CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN

It’s natural to feel angry when you believe you’re under attack. When preparing to meet the perceived threat, your heart may race, your jaw may tense, and you may even find yourself sweating.  Blaming another person for your reaction rarely helps. Focus instead on controlling your response to the conflict. Interrupt those angry feelings by inhaling deeply and then slowly exhaling. Do it a few times. This resets your body from attack mode to reflection mode.

LISTEN EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY DISAGREE

Listening doesn’t require agreement. What it does require is your attention and the ability to interrupt stressful feelings that impede understanding. Before you can succeed in having another person accept your point of view, you need to calm yourself down and listen to them so you are able to understand their perspective. Instead of planning your response and interrupting, attend to what the other person is saying and feeling.

IDENTIFY THE REASONS FOR DISAGREEMENT

Conflict may develop because of unmet needs, perceived power imbalances, contrasting values and beliefs, or misunderstandings. Ask open-ended questions like “What do you hope to achieve?” and “How do you feel about the situation?” “Why are you unhappy?” to uncover the concerns another person has. Paraphrase and summarize to confirm your understanding, and show your empathy and respect.

MANAGE, DON’T DAMAGE

When you foster a culture of learning, you engender greater trust. By not blaming, judging, or jumping to conclusions, you increase the likelihood of uncovering the underlying issues and collaborating to resolve the differences between you.

YOUR ACTION PLAN

The next time you find yourself angry because of a conflict, draw a fishbone-like diagram to help you visually organize and address the root causes of the conflict. Place every reason for the conflict that surfaces directly onto the spine of the fish. This will able you to see the big picture, identify specific factors contributing to dissatisfaction, and prioritize actions you can take to address each of them.