Blogging About Communication

A recently published cartoon depicted a woman speaking on her cell. Her husband interrupts her from another room, saying: “Mind if I comment on a conversation I’m not listening to?” Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?

We Display Closeness Communication Bias

The closer we feel to someone, the more we think we know them. This belief can lead us to overestimate our ability to understand them when it actually ends up contributing to our misunderstanding them instead. We imagine we know what they’re thinking, but focus on our own perspective rather than theirs. To really understand another person, we need to listen to them. We cannot look into our own thoughts and see their world.

We Overestimate Our Listening Ability

Most of us think we listen better than we do. Large numbers of people estimate their listening accuracy to be between 70 and 80 percent. That’s far from the truth. Many of us listen at only 25 percent efficiency—meaning we lose 75 percent of what we think we’re listening to. To get what you seek in life, spend less time focusing on yourself and more time focusing on others. Spend less time talking and more time observing and listening. Listening requires focused awareness and the desire for full understanding.

Avoid Common Errors

Many of us jump to conclusions, give in to distractions, split our attention, miss important words, interrupt others, try and simplify what we hear, feel the need to enhance what we hear, and react emotionally. We need to replace these harmful behaviors by considering the other’s perspective, working to understand the complexity of their message, and searching for areas of commonality.  We need to engage one another in genuine conversation.

Action Plan

When conversing with another person, commit to decentering—place the focus on the other person, not on yourself. To be sure you understand the other person, paraphrase their message. Begin by making a tentative statement: If I’m not mistaken . . . Follow the tentative statement by repeating their basic message in your own words. Then ask a question: Did I get it right? Demonstrating willingness to understand another’s perspective increases the likelihood of listening accurately. You don’t have to agree with another person to understand them.