Blogging About Communication

Do you recall playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” at birthday parties? Someone spins you around, puts a blindfold on your eyes, and sends you stumbling toward a paper donkey while everyone else laughs, cheers, and offers “helpful” directions about where to place the tail you’re holding. More often than not, the tail ends up pinned where it doesn’t belong.

Sometimes, the verbal exchanges we have when disagreeing with another person can feel eerily similar.

Looking for Someone to Pin It On??

When a disagreement or conflict occurs, it’s tempting to look for a donkey to pin it on—someone who we can blame. Often, we rush to assign fault before working things through by asking questions, gathering context, or giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Like the blindfolded player, we don’t take time to see the while picture.

Where Do Feelings Fit In?

Our feelings are real and deserve attention. But our feelings are fed by how we interpret the situation and the assumptions we make. That’s why two of us can hear the exact same comment and experience entirely different reactions and feelings. While saying, ”I didn’t mean it that way” doesn’t erase the impact of our words, it goes a ways to communicating that we did not intend to cause the other person harm.

What About the Blindfold?

Pinning the tail while blindfolded, making judgments with limited information, rarely leads to a productive outcome. Instead of asking, “Who’s to blame?” try asking these questions instead: What actually happened?” What was the intent? What was the impact? What can we learn from what occurred?

More Than One Person Needs to be Accountable

Healthy relationships require mutual responsibility. Each party needs to think about their words, be willing to pause, avoid assuming the worst about the other person, and not pin every uncomfortable feeling on someone else.

ACTION PLAN

Choose one day this week, and pay attention whenever you feel offended, misunderstood, or frustrated by another’s words or behavior. Before reacting to the person, ask yourself three questions: What exactly was said or done? What story am I telling myself about it? What is another reasonable interpretation I might draw?

Imagine you’re the blindfolded player: What might you be missing? You’re more apt to hit the right target when you take personal responsibility instead of playing the blame game.