You have an opinion. And you’re pretty certain you’re right. There’s just one problem: everyone else in the room likely believes you’re totally wrong. Welcome to disagreement. No matter if the subject is politics, relationships, AI, social media, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza, you may think expressing an unpopular idea too risky. But learning to voice disagreement is an important communication skill. When we fail to challenge what others think, bad ideas may survive while good ideas go untested.
DISAGREEMENT IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK
Others can disagree with your idea without rejecting you. Unfortunately, we don’t always communicate that way. For example, compare saying “That is ridiculous,” with “I see things differently.” Both express disagreement. But only one makes the other person really uncomfortable. Attack the idea, not the person. Avoid insults, eye-rolls, and sarcasm.
DON’T BRING A FLAME-THROWER WITH YOU
Your opening when expressing disagreement matters. Rather than raise the conversational temperature by saying, “You’re completely wrong about this,” lower the conversational temperature with a comment like this: “Can I offer another way of looking at this?” Open a conversational door rather than kick one down.
GIVE REASONS AND EXPRESS CURIOSITY
Having a strong opinion isn’t the same as having a strong argument. Be prepared to explain why you believe what you believe. Provide evidence. Give examples. Explain how your experiences and values influence your thinking. In addition, rather than immediately offering why the other person is wrong, ask: “What makes you see it that way?” or, “What’s the strongest reason for your position?” or “What am I missing?” Listen for the answer. Disagreement isn’t just about changing someone’s mind. It’s also a way to test your own thinking.
WHY RISK SPEAKING UP?
Society needs people willing to question assumptions and point out the problems inherent in specific proposals. People who see things differently are not enemies. They are people with different ideas.
ACTION PLAN
Identify someone you trust who disagrees with you about an issue. Each of you gets two uninterrupted minutes to explain your position. Here’s the rule: Before you can present your side, you need to accurately summarize the other person’s position so that they say, “Yes. That’s what I’m saying.” When you both have had your turn, answer these questions:
- What’s the strongest point the other person made?
- Where do you still disagree?
- What evidence could cause you to change your mind?
- What do you understand now, that you did not understand at the outset?
Having the confidence to speak up and being curious enough to listen actually can help us to discover that there’s always more to learn.
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