Blogging About Communication

Communication in Your Life

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  • WE PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE EVERY DAY!

    It’s likely that we all have played tic-tac-toe—and most of us are still playing it—whether we realize it or not. Nine small squares. A mix of X’s and O’s. The game is so versatile, it’s often played on a napkin. It’s also extremely predictable. So, once you know what you’re doing, it becomes extremely difficult for anyone to win. It turns out, the game we probably started playing in childhood has quite a bit to teach us communication and relationships. So, pick up a pencil and choose your symbol, X or O?

    Your Focus isn’t Yourself

    We can’t be successful at playing tic-tac-toe if we focus only on our own X’s. We have to pay attention to the O’s too.. Relationships work the same way. Too often, our focus is on what we want to say, prove, or accomplish. We stop paying attention to the other person or the O’s. What are they saying? What are they hoping will happen? What are they feeling? To communicate effectively, you have to focus on the whole board before playing your move.

    Relationships are Not Contests

    Sure, the object of playing tic-tac-toe is to win. But that’s not the object of a relationship—which is to understand one another better.  That’s why as you master the game of tic-tac-toe, draws outpace wins. It’s no longer about getting those 3 x’s in a row, proving a point, or winning an argument. It’s about being equals. Ending in a draw can be better than winning.

    Anticipation, Not Reaction

    Tic-Tac-Toe players think ahead. “If I go here, what’s their next move?” That’s also good relationship playing. Always consider where your next move is likely to take you. Maybe it’s better not to chime in with a sarcastic comment. If you think a move ahead, you can prevent a lot of problems.

    ACTION PLAN

    Draw a tic-tac-toe board. Only instead of filling the squares with X’s and O’s, fill it with helpful communication behaviors like these: (1) Don’t interrupt. (2) Offer a compliment. (3) Ask the other person for their opinion. (4) Share something the other person wouldn’t know about you. (5) Ask the other person what’s important to them. (6) Express appreciation. (7) Apologize. (8) Express what you’re feeling.  (9) Let the other person have the last word. Then, during the next week see how many squares you can achieve. Even better, complete the whole board.

  • THIS CHILDHOOD GAME OFFERS GROWN-UP LESSONS

    PICK-UP STICKS: Kids sit around a table or on the floor. A colorful pile of skinny sticks gets dumped onto the surface. The player’s task is to remove them one at a time, without disturbing any of the other sticks. It was easy to do, right? Not so much. One careless move and more than one stick shifted. Your turn ended. All the other players chuckled knowing you should have studied the layout and gone for the yellow stick instead. Relationships, like piles of pick-up sticks, are interconnected and need to be approached with care. Your interaction with another person is likely to suffer if you move in to take something without thinking first.

    LOOK BEFORE MAKING A MOVE

    The best pick-up sticks players rarely dived right into the pile. They studied it first. Which sticks were free? Which were trapped? What would happen if this blue one moves? That’s also a pretty good strategy when it comes to human interaction. Before jumping into a conversation, disagreement, meeting, or delicate encounter, observe the participants and the situation. Notice what’s happening around you. Pick up on nonverbal clues. What’s the mood? Is this the best moment to bring something up?

    EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH HAS AN EFFECT

    The stick you wanted to pick up usually wasn’t the only one you would affect. It’s the same with relationships. Words and actions have ripple effects. A wrong move can change everything. There’s a big difference between a sarcastic comment and a compliment. Everything we say and do affects how people react and what happens next. Before speaking or acting, consider not only your intention but also the potential impact of your words and actions.

    THE SMARTEST MOVE MAY BE TO WAIT

    There’s always that one stick we wanted to go for, wasn’t there? But it was buried under a pile of other sticks. If you went for it too soon and you’d be flirting with disaster. Human interaction also requires timing. Difficult conversations, critiques, requests, and advice work better when we consider if the other person is ready to receive them. Waiting is not avoidance; it’s a strategy.

    GENTLE OUTPERFORMS FORCEFUL

    Great players didn’t muscle their way through Pick-up sticks. The lesson? Don’t be a heavy-handed communicator. People withdraw or attack when they feel pushed, embarrassed or controlled. Questions are better than suggestions. Demonstrating curiosity accomplishes more: “Tell me about why you see it that way,”  is far more effective than saying “You’re wrong.”

    SMALL MOVES CAN CHANGE THE ENTIRE PICTURE

    The pile changed with the removal of each stick. So, will relationships. One thoughtful move can reduce tension and make the other person feel safe enough to be honest. A single act of kindness can improve the direction of an interaction. One small thoughtful move can make all the difference.

    ACTION PLAN

    Get together with a few others. Find a set of Pick-Up Sticks or improvise a game using coffee-stirrers, straws, toothpicks, or similar objects. Play a few rounds, but before a move, the player whose turn it is must answer a question:

    What are you noticing before you make your move?

    What else could be affected by your choice?

    Why are you choosing this stick now?

    Might waiting make the move you’re contemplating easier?

    How gently can you accomplish your goal?

    Once the game is over, ask yourself: What’s one small move I can make to improve my interaction with _________ today? Whatever you next move is, make it a thoughtful and careful one.

  • HOPSCOTCH AND RELATIONSHIP BUILDING

    Remember playing the game of hopscotch? All that was needed was a piece of chalk, a small rock, and a stretch of sidewalk, and we were occupied for hours. After drawing the hopscotch court, we’d simply toss the marker, hop from square to square, wobble on one foot, and then begin anew after we stepped on a line or landed on the wrong spot. Fast forward to today. As it turns out, playing hopscotch taught us a number of relationship lessons.

    Every Relationship Begins at Square 1

    You don’t win hopscotch by jumping straight to the last square. You begin by targeting the first square. Relationships work the same way. Whether you’re making a new friend, joining a new workplace team, or getting to know a neighbor, trust grows with each right step. It’s with small consistent actions that we build acquaintanceships into meaningful relationships. The first time you say, ”hi there” to someone you just met may seem insignificant, but it’s the square that gets things started.

    Balance Trumps Quickness

    Playing hopscotch taught us that maintaining our balance was more important than our speed. Relationships benefit from balance too. Giving and receiving need to be in sync. Knowing when to offer advice and when to simply be present, when to speak and when to listen, are skills we pick up by practicing. Sometimes the strongest relationship skill is knowing how to keep your footing when you or another person are having a difficult day.

    We All Land on Lines

    Even the foot of the best hopscotch player occasionally would come down on a line. Sometimes we stomp on relationship lines too. We say the wrong thing. We interrupt when we should be paying attention. We send a text that’s harsher than we meant it to be. None of us is perfect. But we can recover. When we missed a square in hopscotch, we kept on going. We picked up the rock, laughed it off, and tried again.

    We Take Turns

    Playing hopscotch taught us to be patient. When it was one player’s turn, the rest of us would watch, cheer them on, celebrate their successes, and wait for our turn to come. Waiting your turn isn’t passive. Along with encouraging others when they miss, it’s one of the most important acts of respect you can offer another person. Relationships aren’t races to the finish line. They are about offering others our support and learning from our missteps.

    Action Plan

    Draw a hopscotch board on a piece of paper. Write one relationship building act in each square. For example:

    *Smile first

    *Ask a thoughtful question

    *Listen without interjecting

    *Express encouragement

    *Offer help without it being requested

    As you consider each square, choose a person to practice that skill with this week. Keep a record of how people respond. In short order, you’ll notice how your relationships are beginning to feel different.

  • JUMP IN

    Remember playing jump rope growing up? It turns out you were doing a lot more than exercising. You were also learning timing, trust, teamwork, resilience, encouragement, and coordination, the same skills we rely on to help us navigate our friendships and professional relationships. Yup! Playing jump rope wasn’t just about timing your leap. It was also about paying attention, trusting others, adapting when things changed, and getting back up when you missed and got tangled up in the rope.

    It’s a Matter of Timing

    Think back to what it was like trying to jump into a turning rope? Jumping in at the wrong moment usually ended up badly. Success depended on observing and choosing the right moment to act. It’s the same thing with person-to-person relationships—in life and at work. Timing determines if others will respond to a message favorably or be resistant. The right message delivered at the wrong time can be just as ineffective as delivering the wrong message. Whether it’s pitching another an idea or offering feedback, timing affects the outcome. Sometimes the smart strategy is simply to wait a few more turns of the rope.

    No one Spins the Rope Alone

    It takes two people to turn both ends of the rope in a game of jump rope. Double Dutch champions make it look easy, but to do the job right, the rope turners have to maintain an even rhythm, the jumpers need to trust them, and everyone playing needs to adjust together when something changes. If one rope turner speeds up unexpectedly, or stops turning, the rhythm falls apart. Relationships and organizations work similarly. Everyone depends on everyone else. Communication is the rope connecting all the players.

    Feel the Rhythm Before Jumping In

    Don’t attempt to change things until you understand things. Just like watching a jump rope before stepping in, to be successful at interacting in personal and professional relationships, find out how people make decisions, gauge their willingness to collaborate, and understand the rhythm at which they move.

    A Mistake Doesn’t End the Game

    Missed your jump into the rope as a kid? You laughed, moved to the end of the line, and waited for another turn. Imagine if relationships worked the same way. Instead of assigning blame when someone errs, encourage learning, adjusting, and trying again. No one becomes a champion at jump rope before getting entangled in the rope a few times. Success isn’t a solo performance. It depends on everyone making an effort.

    ACTION PLAN

    Work with one or more friends or co-workers to answer these questions:

    • When has poor timing made communication between you less effective?
    • What can each of you do to help maintain a steady rhythm?
    • How do you each respond should one of you “miss the rope” and make a mistake?
    • What is one thing you could do, or one change you could make this week, to help the other person “jump in” more successfully?

  • “SIMON SAYS” AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

    The childhood game “Simon Says” has a lot to say about how to improve person-to-person interaction. When we were in kindergarten, “Simon Says” seemed like nothing more than a silly game that kept us amused. But hidden inside the fun were surprisingly important lessons about person-to-person relationships.

    Remember the Rules?

    Simon says, “Touch your nose.” Everyone touches their nose. “Touch your shoulders.” A few players react without thinking, and what do you know? They’re out of the game. Successful communication depends on listening carefully before reacting. A relationship, it turns out, is one big game of “Simon Says.”

    Listen Before You Respond

    Many relationship breakdowns occur because one person responds before they fully understand what the other person is saying. We’ve all committed acts like these: Interrupting a partner halfway through a sentence; Assuming we know what a partner means; Started defending ourselves before hearing the whole story. When playing “Simon Says,” acting too quickly knocks you out of the game. In relationships, reacting too quickly can cause a misunderstanding, unnecessary conflict, and hurt feelings. The best communicators aren’t the fastest. They are the most attentive.

    Don’t Fill in the Blanks

    We love taking shortcuts. When someone begins speaking, our brains predict how the sentence will end. Sometimes we’re right. Often, we’re not. Strong communicators resist the temptation to finish a partner’s thoughts. Instead, they are curious, ask questions, and allow the person to finish their statement before forming a response. They give themselves time to discover what the other person is really saying.

    Pay Close Attention

    To win at “Simon Says” you need to listen carefully—not just watch the leader who you’ll remember tempted you to make the wrong move by having their actions contradict their words. Our conversations work similarly. We communicate through tone of voice, facial expressions, timing, and posture. A simple, “I’m fine,” can mean everything from genuine happiness to quiet frustration. The more attention we pay to whether a person’s verbal and nonverbal messages support each other, the better we will understand the person.

    Thoughtful Responses Build Better Relationships

    “Simon Says” rewards self-control. Instead of reacting automatically, the best players would pause for a split second to be sure they understood the instruction. Tiny pauses work wonders in everyday interactions too. Before responding to what a partner says, ask yourself: Have I heard the whole message? Am I responding to what was actually said? Would pausing to ask a question help? Brief reflective moments can lead to kinder, clearer, and more productive interactions.

    Action Plan

    For one day, practice adding a two-second “Simon Says” pause before responding in a conversation. During the pause: Focus on what the person actually says; Notice their tone and body movements; Ask a follow-up question before offering your thoughts. At day’s end, reflect on these three questions: (1) Did people seem more willing to open up to me? (2) Did I discover anything I would have missed by responding immediately? (3) Were there fewer misunderstandings? Two small seconds can make the difference between responding effectively and blowing it.

    Remember this: “Simon Says” wasn’t really about following directions. It was all about paying attention and building communication skills. The players who listened carefully stayed in the game longer. The same holds true for our relationships.Those of us who slow down, listen fully, and respond thoughtfully tend to build stronger, healthier, and more lasting connections.

  •  “WHO STOLE THE COOKIE FROM YOUR COOKIE JAR?”

    “Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?”

    “You stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
    “Who, me?”

    “Yes, you!”

    “Couldn’t be!”

    “Then who?”

    If you grew up singing these words in an early childhood classroom, then you remember laughing as every child playfully accused one another. The game was harmless fun because everyone knows no one actually had stolen a cookie.

    Now you’re older, and realize that relationships don’t always work that way. In real life, trust can vanish much faster than a plate of delicious cookies.

    TRUST IS THE COOKIE JAR

    Think of trust as a cookie jar sitting in the middle of every relationship. Every open and sincere conversation, kept promise, and thoughtful action adds another cookie to the cookie jar. Over time, the jar fills, engendering in us a sense of safety and confidence. But with every broken promise, hidden truth, reckless remark, or careless accusation, a cookie is removed the jar.

    In contrast to the childhood game, in real relationships someone may take something—confidence, honesty, reliability, security—away from another person. The challenge isn’t only figuring out “who took the cookie” and why this happened, it’s refilling the cookie jar to rebuild trust.

    FINGER POINTING ISN’T THE SOLUTION

    One reason “Who Stole the Cookie?” was so much fun was the blame rotated, quickly bouncing from one person to another. “I didn’t do it!” “She did it!” “It was him!” “It wasn’t me!” Many disagreements follow the same script. Instead of asking, “How did we get to this point?” we ask, “Who’s at fault?” When placing blame becomes the goal, curiosity vanishes. People stop listening and start defending themselves.  The willingness to understand and trust disappears when everyone’s focus is to avoid being the next person accused.

    BUILD TRUST ONE COOKIE AT A TIME

    Trust is rebuilt the same way it’s created. Small acts of kindness place cookies back in the cookie jar. They matter: Show up when you say you will. Tell the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable. Admit mistakes instead of hiding them. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Follow up and follow through.

    WHAT IF NOBODY STOLE THE COOKIE?

    This is a question we rarely consider when a child. Trust can decrease because of a misunderstood message, a missed invitation, or an unintended but misinterpreted remark. Before assuming another person emptied the cookie jar, ask a question. Clarification can function as a restorer of trust. And if you did take a cookie, admit it. Be willing to say, “I made a mistake.” “I’m sorry.” “I’d like to re-earn your trust.”

    ACTION PLAN

    Play “The Cookie Jar Trust Challenge.”

    Draw a big beautiful cookie jar on a sheet of paper or use the notes app on your phone. Inside the jar, write five behaviors that remove cookies, such as gossiping, making an excuse, breaking a commitment, interrupting, or assuming the worst.  Outside the jar, write five actions that help people gain trust such as keeping your word, being truthful, listening without interrupting, showing appreciation, admitting a mistake. For the next week, whenever you find yourself adding a cookie through a trustworthy action, give yourself a star.

    Should you accidently remove a cookie, take note of it, and ask yourself: “What can I do right now to put another cookie back into the jar?” There are hundreds of small choices you can make daily that tells others they can count on you. And that’s a cookie worth sharing!

  • RED-LIGHT/GREEN-LIGHT YOUR COMMUNICATION

    The childhood game Red-Light/Green-Light can enlighten us about how to engage in a conversation. Think back to when you stood shoulder-to-shoulder in a school gym or playing field with friends, eyes focused on the leader at the front. As soon as you heard the words green-light you sprinted forward, only to freeze in place as soon as the words red-light were said. The players who followed directions stayed in the game. Those who kept moving forward were called out and eliminated from the game. As it turns out, participating in a conversation is a lot like the game of Red-Light/Green-Light.

    GREEN-LIGHT: KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING

    The best conversations have momentum. When your conversational partner smiles, nods, asks questions, or shares their own thoughts and experiences, they are giving you a green-light, telling you to keep the exchange going. Think about how energized you feel when another person is fully engaged and interested. You expand on your ideas. You tell a story or two. You become more open.  Good communicators know how to give others plenty of green-lights by making eye contact, demonstrating curiosity, and actively listening.

    RED-LIGHT: KNOW WHEN TO PAUSE

    Conversation is not always full speed ahead. Sometimes a potential partner is distracted, stressed, or simply not willing to continue an exchange. Ignoring those signals is like continuing to run forward after the person in charge has shouted, “Red-Light.” Skilled conversationalists recognize when it’s time to pause and wait. Timing in conversation is often just as important as the message you’re delivering.

    YELLOW-LIGHT: TAKE IT SLOW

    Unlike the game of Red-Light/Green-Light, real-life includes lots of yellow lights. Have you ever started to send a text when angry? Interrupted a partner? Jumped to a wrong conclusion? These are yellow-light moments. In the midst of responding, rather than charging ahead, slow down and ask yourself: Is this the right time? Do I have the facts I need? Will my words improve the conversation?

    WHO WINS THE GAME?

    When playing Red-Light/Green-Light as a kid, the winner was the first person to reach the finish line. When it comes to conversation, the winner isn’t the fastest talker or the loudest voice. The real victory happens when we understand one another, build trust and interest in one another, and feel respected. For that to happen, sometimes it makes sense to pause or stop rather than keep moving forward.

    ACTION PLAN

    The next time you’re talking with friends, family members, or co-workers, become a “traffic detective.” For one day, notice the conversational signals people give:

    Green-Lights: Smiles, follow-up questions, leaning in, laughter, eye contact

    Yellow-Lights: Hesitations, long pauses, distracted attention

    Red-Lights: Looking away, folded arms, checking the time or phone, showing frustration

    After each conversation, ask yourself: Did I recognize the signals? Did I successfully adjust my communication? When did I pass through a red light? When did I hesitate at a green-light? Good communicators figure out when to go, when to pause, and when to stop.   

  • FRIENDSHIP AND MARCO-POLO

    Remember splashing around in a swimming pool, eyes squeezed shut, calling “Marco!” and hoping someone answered with “Polo”? Playing Marco-Polo was an adventure because you had to rely on communication, trust, and show a bit of courage. Surprisingly, finding and maintaining a friendship isn’t all that different. Whether you’re a college student, changing jobs, or looking to expand your social circle, there are a few lessons Marco-Polo can teach us about meaningful friendships.

    You Need to Speak Up

    In Marco-Polo, nothing happens unless someone calls out. The same is true when seeking a friend. Waiting for someone to discover you rarely works. Someone has to call out, say hello, ask a question, introduce themselves, or invite the other person to lunch. Many a friendship is started with a simple question: “Mind if I sit here?” “What did you think of yesterday’s session?” Have you tried the coffee?” A small greeting can open the door to a lasting friendship.

    Listen for the Response

    Calling “Marco!” is only half the game. You need to listen carefully for “Polo.” Friendships work the same way. You need to pick up on how another person responds. Are they interested? Do they smile? Listening helps you discover shared interests, and lets the other person know you are hearing them. Great friendships grow from conversations where both people feel valued.

    You Won’t Find Everyone

    Sometimes you’d call “Marco” and hear nothing in return. Perhaps the other person was distracted or just stopped playing. Not everyone you meet will become your friend. Personalities differ. Interests may not overlap. Timing matters. Silence is not failing. Keep calling. Keep meeting people. Keep giving yourself opportunities to connect.

    Be Easy to Find

    As when playing Marco Polo, friendship requires a willingness to be found. Smile. Join conversations. Participate in activities. Accept invitations. Attend events. If someone reaches out, answer with your own version of “Polo.”

    ACTION PLAN

    Play The “Marco-Polo” Challenge. For the next week, create one “Marco” moment daily. Use it to introduce yourself to someone new, start one brief conversation, ask one open-ended question. Either accept an invitation or invite someone to lunch or coffee with you. Ask yourself which of your “Polo” responses surprised you the most. Friendship is about having the courage to call out first, see who answers, and enjoy what happens next.

  • ARE YOU MORE LIKELY TO PLACE BLAME THEN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY?

    Do you recall playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” at birthday parties? Someone spins you around, puts a blindfold on your eyes, and sends you stumbling toward a paper donkey while everyone else laughs, cheers, and offers “helpful” directions about where to place the tail you’re holding. More often than not, the tail ends up pinned where it doesn’t belong.

    Sometimes, the verbal exchanges we have when disagreeing with another person can feel eerily similar.

    Looking for Someone to Pin It On??

    When a disagreement or conflict occurs, it’s tempting to look for a donkey to pin it on—someone who we can blame. Often, we rush to assign fault before working things through by asking questions, gathering context, or giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Like the blindfolded player, we don’t take time to see the while picture.

    Where Do Feelings Fit In?

    Our feelings are real and deserve attention. But our feelings are fed by how we interpret the situation and the assumptions we make. That’s why two of us can hear the exact same comment and experience entirely different reactions and feelings. While saying, ”I didn’t mean it that way” doesn’t erase the impact of our words, it goes a ways to communicating that we did not intend to cause the other person harm.

    What About the Blindfold?

    Pinning the tail while blindfolded, making judgments with limited information, rarely leads to a productive outcome. Instead of asking, “Who’s to blame?” try asking these questions instead: What actually happened?” What was the intent? What was the impact? What can we learn from what occurred?

    More Than One Person Needs to be Accountable

    Healthy relationships require mutual responsibility. Each party needs to think about their words, be willing to pause, avoid assuming the worst about the other person, and not pin every uncomfortable feeling on someone else.

    ACTION PLAN

    Choose one day this week, and pay attention whenever you feel offended, misunderstood, or frustrated by another’s words or behavior. Before reacting to the person, ask yourself three questions: What exactly was said or done? What story am I telling myself about it? What is another reasonable interpretation I might draw?

    Imagine you’re the blindfolded player: What might you be missing? You’re more apt to hit the right target when you take personal responsibility instead of playing the blame game.

  • DO YOU PLAY MUSICAL CHAIRS AT WORK?

    Do you remember what it was like to play musical chairs when you were a child? All the kids would circle the chairs, smiling, and trying to look casual, until the music stopped. Suddenly, everyone wanted a seat. And there weren’t enough seats for everyone. The modern workplace is eerily similar. There often are more talented individuals than available promotions, special recognitions, or leadership roles. The good news? Unlike the children’s game of yesteryear, today’s workplace isn’t about tripping up a colleague to try and get in their chair. It’s about making sure you’re ready, when an opportunity arises.

    Are There Chairs to Spare?

    Because there are only so many “chairs” available, organizations don’t typically promote their employees at the same time. Thus, if you don’t land a promotion, it doesn’t mean you’re not valuable. The music simply has not stopped in your favor yet. In time, patience, persistence, and consistence performance will pay off.

    Keep Moving, Even If No One is Watching

    Standing still in musical chairs pretty much assures you won’t find a vacant seat. The same holds true at work. Keep learning new skills, volunteering for tough assignments, helping co-workers succeed. Keep moving forward, and you’ll be the person higher-ups think of when an opportunity arises.

    Don’t Push Someone Out of Their Chair

    Competition is healthy. Undermining a colleague is not. Kindness and collaboration will contribute to your having a surprisingly long career. New chairs are always being added. New skills are always in demand. Although you can’t control when the music stops or when an extra chair will appear, you can make sure you’re ready when it does.

    ACTION PLAN

    Make time this week to answer these questions: What is one skill that would make me more valuable in my current role? What project or responsibility might I take on that could enable others at work to notice my contributions? Who can I assist or encourage this week as they pursue their goals?