Blogging About Communication

“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?”

“You stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
“Who, me?”

“Yes, you!”

“Couldn’t be!”

“Then who?”

If you grew up singing these words in an early childhood classroom, then you remember laughing as every child playfully accused one another. The game was harmless fun because everyone knows no one actually had stolen a cookie.

Now you’re older, and realize that relationships don’t always work that way. In real life, trust can vanish much faster than a plate of delicious cookies.

TRUST IS THE COOKIE JAR

Think of trust as a cookie jar sitting in the middle of every relationship. Every open and sincere conversation, kept promise, and thoughtful action adds another cookie to the cookie jar. Over time, the jar fills, engendering in us a sense of safety and confidence. But with every broken promise, hidden truth, reckless remark, or careless accusation, a cookie is removed the jar.

In contrast to the childhood game, in real relationships someone may take something—confidence, honesty, reliability, security—away from another person. The challenge isn’t only figuring out “who took the cookie” and why this happened, it’s refilling the cookie jar to rebuild trust.

FINGER POINTING ISN’T THE SOLUTION

One reason “Who Stole the Cookie?” was so much fun was the blame rotated, quickly bouncing from one person to another. “I didn’t do it!” “She did it!” “It was him!” “It wasn’t me!” Many disagreements follow the same script. Instead of asking, “How did we get to this point?” we ask, “Who’s at fault?” When placing blame becomes the goal, curiosity vanishes. People stop listening and start defending themselves.  The willingness to understand and trust disappears when everyone’s focus is to avoid being the next person accused.

BUILD TRUST ONE COOKIE AT A TIME

Trust is rebuilt the same way it’s created. Small acts of kindness place cookies back in the cookie jar. They matter: Show up when you say you will. Tell the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable. Admit mistakes instead of hiding them. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Follow up and follow through.

WHAT IF NOBODY STOLE THE COOKIE?

This is a question we rarely consider when a child. Trust can decrease because of a misunderstood message, a missed invitation, or an unintended but misinterpreted remark. Before assuming another person emptied the cookie jar, ask a question. Clarification can function as a restorer of trust. And if you did take a cookie, admit it. Be willing to say, “I made a mistake.” “I’m sorry.” “I’d like to re-earn your trust.”

ACTION PLAN

Play “The Cookie Jar Trust Challenge.”

Draw a big beautiful cookie jar on a sheet of paper or use the notes app on your phone. Inside the jar, write five behaviors that remove cookies, such as gossiping, making an excuse, breaking a commitment, interrupting, or assuming the worst.  Outside the jar, write five actions that help people gain trust such as keeping your word, being truthful, listening without interrupting, showing appreciation, admitting a mistake. For the next week, whenever you find yourself adding a cookie through a trustworthy action, give yourself a star.

Should you accidently remove a cookie, take note of it, and ask yourself: “What can I do right now to put another cookie back into the jar?” There are hundreds of small choices you can make daily that tells others they can count on you. And that’s a cookie worth sharing!