Blogging About Communication

PICK-UP STICKS: Kids sit around a table or on the floor. A colorful pile of skinny sticks gets dumped onto the surface. The player’s task is to remove them one at a time, without disturbing any of the other sticks. It was easy to do, right? Not so much. One careless move and more than one stick shifted. Your turn ended. All the other players chuckled knowing you should have studied the layout and gone for the yellow stick instead. Relationships, like piles of pick-up sticks, are interconnected and need to be approached with care. Your interaction with another person is likely to suffer if you move in to take something without thinking first.

LOOK BEFORE MAKING A MOVE

The best pick-up sticks players rarely dived right into the pile. They studied it first. Which sticks were free? Which were trapped? What would happen if this blue one moves? That’s also a pretty good strategy when it comes to human interaction. Before jumping into a conversation, disagreement, meeting, or delicate encounter, observe the participants and the situation. Notice what’s happening around you. Pick up on nonverbal clues. What’s the mood? Is this the best moment to bring something up?

EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH HAS AN EFFECT

The stick you wanted to pick up usually wasn’t the only one you would affect. It’s the same with relationships. Words and actions have ripple effects. A wrong move can change everything. There’s a big difference between a sarcastic comment and a compliment. Everything we say and do affects how people react and what happens next. Before speaking or acting, consider not only your intention but also the potential impact of your words and actions.

THE SMARTEST MOVE MAY BE TO WAIT

There’s always that one stick we wanted to go for, wasn’t there? But it was buried under a pile of other sticks. If you went for it too soon and you’d be flirting with disaster. Human interaction also requires timing. Difficult conversations, critiques, requests, and advice work better when we consider if the other person is ready to receive them. Waiting is not avoidance; it’s a strategy.

GENTLE OUTPERFORMS FORCEFUL

Great players didn’t muscle their way through Pick-up sticks. The lesson? Don’t be a heavy-handed communicator. People withdraw or attack when they feel pushed, embarrassed or controlled. Questions are better than suggestions. Demonstrating curiosity accomplishes more: “Tell me about why you see it that way,”  is far more effective than saying “You’re wrong.”

SMALL MOVES CAN CHANGE THE ENTIRE PICTURE

The pile changed with the removal of each stick. So, will relationships. One thoughtful move can reduce tension and make the other person feel safe enough to be honest. A single act of kindness can improve the direction of an interaction. One small thoughtful move can make all the difference.

ACTION PLAN

Get together with a few others. Find a set of Pick-Up Sticks or improvise a game using coffee-stirrers, straws, toothpicks, or similar objects. Play a few rounds, but before a move, the player whose turn it is must answer a question:

What are you noticing before you make your move?

What else could be affected by your choice?

Why are you choosing this stick now?

Might waiting make the move you’re contemplating easier?

How gently can you accomplish your goal?

Once the game is over, ask yourself: What’s one small move I can make to improve my interaction with _________ today? Whatever you next move is, make it a thoughtful and careful one.