Blogging About Communication

Too often, the word debate brings to mind images of politicians interrupting one another, shouting matches between family members, or arguments about work policies. The truth is, however, that learning to debate can help you think more clearly, listen better, disagree respectfully, and make a convincing case. These are skills that happen to be pretty useful whether you’re seated in a conference room at work or at a kitchen table.

DISAGREEMENT IS A START NOT THE END

We can debate our way to a stronger relationship and career. Sooner or later, we all find ourselves disagreeing with a colleague, friend, partner, or relative. Debate shows us how to challenge an idea without attacking the person who holds it. Instead of saying, “You’re making absolutely no sense,” say, “Here’s why I see it differently.” Small shifts like that keep disagreement from escalating, helping to preserve the relationship even if no one changes their mind.

IMPATIENT? SPEND THE TIME LISTENING

Effective debates don’t just wait impatiently to speak. They spend their non-speaking time listening for the reasons behind the other person’s position. Listening provides the superglue in our relationships. When others realize that you actually understand them, your agreement is not a requirement.

MAKE YOUR CASE, NOT A SCENE

Whether at work or on a date, we’re constantly making arguments, even if we don’t call them that:

            Let’s try this approach.

            I’m ready for this change.

            Here’s why my idea deserves a chance.

Knowing how to support a claim with evidence and sound reasoning makes us more persuasive and credible. “Because I say so” rarely wins the day.

CHALLENGE, WITHOUT ATTACKING

Stop looking at disagreement as if it were a personal attack. Instead of becoming defensive when someone disagrees with us, stimulate your curiosity and seek to discover why they disagree with you. Might they have a point? Is there something you’re missing? You just might not only discover you were wrong, but you might actually admit you were wrong. Instead of reacting, defending, and escalating, you listened, you thought about it, and you responded. That could turn out to be your ultimate communication achievement—emotional intelligence in action.

ACTION PLAN

It’s time to play switch-a-roo. Choose an issue that you and a friend, colleague, or partner disagree with such as working from home, tipping, whether meetings should ever last more than 30 minutes. Take two minutes to argue your position. Then switch. For the next two minutes, make the strongest possible case for the other person’s position. After that ask each other this question: What do you now understand about my position that you didn’t understand before?  The goal of learning to debate isn’t to win every argument. It is to become someone who can disagree, think, listen, persuade, and still have a relationship with the debate ends.